I've always defined gossip as talking negatively about an individual who isn't there. What if it's the truth though? Or what if it's to make sure someone gets the help they need because they're taking drugs or something? Would it still be gossip?
I've learned to examine conversation with four questions to help me define whether it is gossip or not:
- Would it be better left unsaid? (If yes, it's gossip).
- Is it personal information about another that you don't have permission to share? (If yes, it's gossip).
- Does it harm the reputation of the subject of conversation? (If yes, it's gossip).
- Is your intention to help the individual and are you informing someone who is in a position to help? (Answer has to be yes for both halves of this question for it not to be considered gossip).
It doesn't matter if want you say is true and factual; if it can cause harm, it causes harm. There is no positive to gossip. It destroys. It never builds.
Harms of Gossip
There are three individuals gossip ravages: the gossiper, the listener and the victim.
Elder Gene R. Cook mentioned that before the Savior arrived in the Americas that “Satan did stir them up to do iniquity continually; yea, he did go about spreading rumors and contentions upon all the face of the land, that he might harden the hearts of the people against that which was good and against that which should come” (
Hel. 16:22). Gossip is an effective weapon against good. It really does harm everyone it comes into contact with.
One writer said, "Cooperation and good feelings among those who work together in Church callings are also iced over when gossip occurs." That's within the relationships between members of the Church. Imagine how destructive it could be in friendships and family relationships.
Why does the gossiper gossip? There are a few reasons. Sometimes when we feel insecure about ourselves, we pick, poke, and prod at others because if they are worse than we are, we must be better. Other times individuals have been gossiped about, so they gossip too. In some cases, gossip has just become a habit of conversation. Gossiping may feel like a great way to bond with others, but it's not.
Gossiping actually makes the gossiper more and more isolated. Gossiping makes people feel uncomfortable. It also causes them to not trust the gossiper with any personal revelations. Relationships cannot be built or strengthened if you can't trust one party to retain information given in confidence. The
same writer mentioned earlier also said, "When we refrain from repeating cruel or careless words, we not only are able to serve more effectively but we also build a foundation for closeness and friendship." If the gossiper is talking about someone else in such a manner, you can't trust that anything they learn about you won't be shared too. People start to withdraw from the gossiper. The gossiper may sense this and so try to strengthen then relationship by gossiping about others. In the short term it may feel as if bonds are strengthening, but in reality it only worsens. Gossiping hardens your hearts towards people.
Our relationships are again affected as we alienate ourselves from others. We feel a cold, hollow hypocrisy as we greet or deal with people we have talked about negatively. Our own feelings of worth and our outlook on life are affected as we expect others to talk about us with the same lack of regard. We become nervous about appearing less than perfect because others might talk about us. After all, how can we expect others to act more nobly than we ourselves are acting? Worse, we pull ourselves away from Heavenly Father and cannot feel the warmth of his approval when we are being unkind to his other children. We alienate ourselves spiritually and thus feel even more shut out. "The Frigid Wind of Gossip."
The listener becomes an injured party too. Generally you don't want to hear gossip. It can be uncomfortable to listen to and you might learn things about others you just didn't want to learn. It skews your perception and judgment. It will harm the relationship you have with both the victim of the gossip and the gossiper. You start to avoid the gossiper and you have no idea how to communicate to the victim now that you know "things."
Obviously the victim is harmed. Gossip harms the relationships the individual has with others. Those that hear the gossip treat the individual differently, even if they know it's not true. Gossip isn't something that can be taken back. It's also not something easily confronted as it's said almost in whispers and behind hands. It cuts that people would participate in gossip. Gossip is only focusing on the victims faults. Knowing that people are poking at real or imagined faults causes the victim to become insecure and to focus so much on their own faults they might overlook what is wonderful about themselves. When people are insecure it harms their mental well-being and their confidence which overflows in all aspects of their lives. No one should want to cause this kind of harm in others.
Gossip can destroy friendships. It can destroy families. Gossip is not something you ever want. It only destroys.
Stopping the Gossip
Gossip is sneaky. You don't always realize it is gossip when arrives in conversation (thus the questions to ask yourself mentioned earlier). Gossip can be difficult to stop once it starts. Each individual involved in the gossip can do their part.
Gossiper. If gossip is a habit of conversation, it's important to learn new conversation topics and habits. If you find you're gossiping because it makes you feel better about yourself in comparison, you need to find confidence in who you are without involving any comparison. You should learn to look at yourself and realize how good you are as you. Don't involve anyone else other than Heavenly Father in gaining self-esteem. If you have been told things in confidence, keep them confidences. Sometimes people need to have someone to talk to about personal issues, but it doesn't mean you share what they shared with others.
Listener. Gossip can surprise the listener. You don't plan to hear it. But there are three things you can do to not be a participant. For every negative quality being mentioned about an individual, you should start listing two positive qualities. It's important to recognize faults are not all that people are. When positive qualities are listed, you find yourself not wanting to focus on their faults. If that doesn't work, you could just ask them to stop. Tell them you're uncomfortable. That can be difficult to do. It may even feel rude, but it would be worse to let such conversation to continue. If gossip still continues, physically leave the conversation. If you let gossip continue then you are allowing harm to come to everyone involved, especially the victim and yourself.
Victim. How can you stop gossip when you aren't even present for the conversation? There really isn't much you
can do. Being in such a situation would be a true refiner's fire. It's far from an ideal situation. What you can do is focus on yourself and your own responses. Gossiping in retaliation only worsens the entire situation. You have to really learn to “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” (
Matt. 5:44). Such a tough challenge that will definitely strengthen your character. The other thing you will have to do is recognize your
divine worth. Recognize you are a child of God. Recognize your great qualities. Recognize your faults and where you can be better, but don't ever let it get you down. Always strive to be better, but recognize who you are today is a child of God. You will create a strong character that can be a foundation for others.
Create a Safe Haven
Become one of those individuals that people know would never reveal confidences. Become one of those people no one will gossip around because they know you won't accept it. Become the warm, safe, caring shelter for those who need it. Especially the most important people in your life: your spouse, your children, your relatives, your friends.
"For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" (
Moses 1:39). If that's what our Heavenly Father's and Jesus Christ's goal is for all of us, then we should desire to be a part of it. Gossiping about others is a sure way to work against God's goals. We should be helping each other up, not tearing them down. "Therefore, strengthen your brethren in all your conversation, in all your prayers, in all your exhortations, and in all your doings" (
D&C 108:7).
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