Rule #1: I do not know everything. I'd like to. Sometimes I'd like to think I do. But I don't. My advice is only that, advice and opinion. I'd like to think that my advice counts for a little more because I am a girl, married and majoring in Marriage and Family Studies, but honestly, I'm just giving advice that you can choose to follow or not and I have no idea what harm or good it will actually do for each date.
Rule #2: Girls are crazy. While it's relatively accepted that men will be men (though should still be respected by women), you have to recognize that girls are crazy. The level of crazy is varied. But we are. I can't predict everything that girls will or will not do. Remember, I don't know everything.
Now onto the questions. If you have comments or more questions, please comment at the end of this post. I'd really like to hear other's thoughts on these questions or what else people would like to know.
What are girls looking for these days?
It depends on the girl! I can generally say that girls are looking for a guy who is kind, courteous, planner, works hard, dedicated. Girls are looking for good qualities such as those. It's like an ice cream sundae. There is the ice cream. That will be the qualities I mentioned and more that I didn't. Then there are all the toppings you could put on. Those are the interests, hobbits, goals, quirks, etc that matter, but that matter to each girl individually.
What do girls expect from guys (on a date)?
Girls expect to know that it actually is a date. Use the word "Date." It changes how a girl will treat you (read "Date: It's Important" for more on that). If she thinks you're just hanging out, she may flirt with other guys not knowing that it is a date. If she knows it is a date, then she'll be more focused on you (and if she isn't, then why are you on a date with her?).
A girl also expects to know exactly what you will be doing. Have a plan for the date when you ask her out, not after, and tell her. For example, let's say you plan on going hiking for your date, but she didn't know and wore a dress/heels. Or imagine you are going bowling, but she didn't bring socks because she didn't know. Or imagine you are going out to a fancy restaurant and you're all dressed up, and she's in jeans and a T-shirt. She'd be embarrassed in each case. So just mention what you are doing and the dress code.
Also, when you have a date planned, it shows that you really care about her because you planned your time with her carefully. It shows you can be responsible. It shows that you value your time with her. It shows that you are a decision maker. Girls generally like a take charge man, as long as he listens to her opinions and advice.
Sometimes I hear advice that I should go on a date once a week. Why should I?
Do it. I've known so many girls that haven't been on a date for months, sometimes a year or more. Sometimes, girls ask out guys because guys aren't asking out girls. Guys, man up and ask.
Asking out a girl each week on a date will help the girls not become too crazy. I'm sure you've heard of girls pretty much planning a wedding after one date. However, if you are the type of guy that is respectful to all girls and a nice guy who asks out girls on dates, then the girls won't be planning a wedding after the one.
Another reason to go on a date each week is because it will make you a better person and help you figure out what kind of ice cream sundae you'd like (what qualities and toppings you'd prefer in a girl).
You will also get to become friends with more people faster than you may have otherwise.
An example of taking this advice is my husband. His sister told him to go on a date each week. I'm glad he did before he started liking me.
- He learned how to overcome and correct mistakes.
- He learned what qualities he really did like in a girl and what qualities he really didn't like.
- He learned how to deal with the awkward, the annoying, the embarrassing.
- He learned more about himself and how he could improve.
- He became a better conversationalist.
- He learned how to be confident in himself. He was afraid of being turned down on a date, but he learned to continue asking other girls anyways.
It doesn't matter really. If you liked the girl enough on the first date, why not ask her out the next week? Realize, though, that you can go on more than one date a week. It's just advice to go on a minimum of one date a week. I find that for most, a date a week is intimidating enough. Recognize that after 2-3 dates with the same girl in a relatively short amount of time will require you both to figure out if you'll continue dating casually, dating exclusively, or backing off.
How do I overcome nerves and fear in asking out a girl?
You just ask. I don't think they will ever dissipate. Realize though that the girl is probably just as nervous, but might not show it immediately. I think that the more you ask out girls, the less nervous you will be, but I'm not sure the difference will be noticeable. However, I've found that the more prepared you are the less nervous you are. Ask yourself, How can I be better prepared? A suggestion is to have a date activity planned for the next week (maybe two). Then you're just looking for a girl to have a good time with. Otherwise, if you have a specific girl in mind, but no planned activity, and she says no; well, you'd feel like it was the end of the world and not ask any girl out for a little while until your confidence is up again.
Another suggestion is to plan a group date with a guy friend (or more). It follows on the same line as the other suggestion. Less pressure on you and the girl, and more incentive to have fun.
Knowing that you are doing your best will give you confidence. Just do your best, and if you aren't, then be better.
How do I not get stuck in the "friend zone"?
You ask out the girl on a date. I was good friends with my husband and his roommates before we ever went on a single date. I was getting very frustrated that I wasn't even asked on a date by any of them. If a girl isn't asked on a date by her close guy friends, then who is going to ask her? It can be a lot of fun to go on dates with your friend. It's the best. If she says no, and just wants to be friends. Well, then you know you can move on and ask a different girl rather than being a little infatuated with the one.
What are good conversation starters? and how can you keep a good conversation going?
The key to any conversation is listening. It's pretty much a superpower. You don't just hear what is being said, you understand it, you remember it. Imagine if you were talking and you felt like your friend really cared about what you said, was almost hanging on every word, and asking questions to know more. You feel important and valued. You want your date to feel like that. Do your best to be unselfish in conversation.
To start and carry a conversation ask questions that really make you listen. If you met your date in your class, start with a question about the class. If you met your date in your church, start with a question about Relief Society or something else related to church. If you met your date at a dance, ask her about dance. After the first question, you always ask follow-up questions so your date knows you really are listening and you really are interested in what she has to say. By extension this shows you are truly interested in her and her life and thoughts.
To continue a conversation, ask about her family, ask about her favorite things, as about her hobbies, her interests, etc. And always asked follow-up questions. If you ask her favorite food, she answers and asks you what your favorite food is, then answer the question and then ask, Why is it your favorite? Do you have a special memory about it? etc.
Be unselfish in conversation. Don't try to interrupt the follow of conversation by talking about yourself (unless she asks a question). That's when you get stuck in the awkward silence. Do everything you can to make her feel valued. If that means talking about your favorites when she asks, then do so. If it means paying attention to a conversation about ballet, then do so.
Plus, you'll get to know your date so much faster and she'll feel emotionally closer to you. Girls become closer to other people through talk; girls talk to their best friends, a lot. That's why they are best friends. You'll also pick up on her interests, so you can plan a special date just for her because you know her interests.
What if I ask a girl and she's already in a relationship?
It's not your fault you didn't know that! (unless you are truly unobservant, then it totally is). Sometimes you will ask out a girl who is in a relationship. Just realize that the girl will generally apologize or feel bad saying no because she knows it was hard to work up the courage in the first place. I was exclusively dating my husband and was asked out once by someone else. It's flattering, but I felt so bad for the guy. I apologized! I wasn't sorry that I was dating my husband, I was sorry that he had worked up the courage to ask and was denied. But it's also kinda flattering. You could just respond with, That's awesome! What a lucky guy! or something. It happens, and it is embarrassing, but at least you know!
How do you make sure that the girl has a good time on her date? I don't want to plan something she wouldn't like.
Earlier, I said that you should have the date planned before you even ask the girl. I give the same advice here, except plan two possible dates that are radically different, like a date outdoors and a date indoors (hiking vs bowling). Then when you ask her out and she answers yes, say would you like to go hiking or bowling? If she doesn't like either of those options, spend some time then and there to work out a plan together.
If you've done all you can to have a good date (planning, telling her the activity, good conversation listening) and she still didn't enjoy it, then it's probably her fault. Attitude counts. If she comes to the date determined to be negative, there isn't much you can do. Remember Rule #2: Girls are crazy. But you might want to ask at the end of the date why she didn't have a good time, just in case it was you so you can be better the next date.
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