My Sister's English Teacher is an Alien

My sister was given an assignment in her English class to write a persuasive essay about why they should or should not have phones in class. He informed them they could create and use any facts they'd like to. My sister took it to heart. Her essay was the discussion around the dinner table the other day and so I wanted to read the entire thing. She hurried over to the computer and emailed me a copy. Hope you enjoy it just as much as the rest of us!

"Cell phones should not be allowed in class. They are disruptive, distracting, and the signal from so many cell phones would tell the hostile aliens where we are. No one wants to be captured by those little purple things that live on Venus. They cut people up, tinker with their organs, then put them back together however they want to. These aliens, unlike the mythical illegal immigrants from Mexico that try to steal over the border, mythical because it has never happened before because the United States’ security is awesome, are real. It can be proven by the United States through their top-secret facility, Area 51.

From "Stargate SG-1"

"The aliens know that the youth of today are obsessed with cell phones. They prefer children to adults, and so then they see a mass of cellular signals, especially around schools, they know it is children they have found. These aliens have such high technology they could hide anywhere, or be anyone. English teachers especially are likely to be aliens because they abhor the grammatically incorrect use of any language while texting. Aliens hope to ride our world of cell phone use, so they don’t have to worry about using languages incorrectly, and so people cannot communicate easily with one another when they come to invade our planet. While they might have superior technology, we are more intelligent, especially since the only place they tend to look for cell phone use is during school hours, in school classrooms.

"Many people say there are no such things as aliens, especially aliens from Venus. It was those people who were taken first. As the aliens put their experiments back together, they install an alien self defense mechanism, ASDM for short. How it works is if the person with an ASDM is in the room when someone suggests that aliens are real, the mechanism kicks in and the person is tricked into disbelieving anything that is said. Those who say aliens aren’t from Venus, but from Mars, have a more complex ASDM installed in their brain. Those people were the people who already knew about the existence of aliens, and truly believed it and tried to do all they could in ridding the Earth of the aliens, but were unfortunately captured in battle. The original ASDM, which works for most people, wouldn’t work for them, so the aliens had to modify it. The newer ASDMs make it so human’s anger of aliens is directed at Mars instead of Venus.

"Since aliens are at war with humanity, it is important to know the telltale signs of an alien. First, aliens like to be English teacher, as sated before, so they can fix all the language issues. Not that all English teachers are aliens, only the majority of them are aliens. Second, aliens like their human impersonations to be male because they are the soldiers and the spies, while the females are the ones in charge and back on the ship and on Venus conducting the experiments on people. The aliens also like to have beards so they can more easily high the seam of their disguise under the beard. The biggest sign is when someone tells you they need to keep their phones on in case their young child needs to call them in case of an emergency, even though 9 out of 10 times the phone rings, it is a wrong number. That is a lie. Their cell phones aren’t cell phones because they loathe those ‘infernal contraptions’. Rather they are communicators used in speaking with the alien head quarters. Their ‘phones’ cannot receive wrong numbers because first, they aren’t cell phones, and second, they can only communicate to one place, alien HQ. When they say is it a wrong number, wait to see who gets asked to see him after class. Then notice, you will never see that student again. If you do, they usually come back with a cold, the side affect of the ASDM. What happens is that the alien receives instruction to get a child alone so they can beam him or her up and prepare them for dissection. If anyone has a male English teacher who has a beard and keeps their phones on for emergencies, run away screaming."