Advice To Fiancées

I'm getting married in 22 days. As I'm sure many of you that are married or engaged have realized, the wedding date is very apt at sneaking upon you like a lightening-fast ninja. I've been blessed enough in my own life to have had a little over three months from the moment I was engaged to the date of our wedding.

In my engagement time period, I've had numerous friends who have also gotten engaged or are on the verge of doing so. Having friends riding in a parallel engagement boat as you is a relief; my own little support group. That's what I think the world needs, support groups for fiancées and fiancés. It's helped so much. Each couple have discovered knowledge and tips about the process of getting married and share it so we all benefit. It works especially well when all the couples are in the same location during the engagement, even if they are getting married in different states.

You know how I mentioned that I have friends at the very beginning stages of being engaged? Well, these friends are starting to freak out (totally reasonable) and know that since I was a totally rational person during my own engagement (not), I've found they've come to me for information and wisdom, as if I knew all there is to know about being engaged.

Let me warn you now that I am no such source. Yes, I have definite experience in this area, but only for myself. I have no idea how helpful it would be to others. While this information will hopefully be helpful to all brides-to-be, it's more towards brides-to-be that are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

But I'll share with you what I've discovered in hopes that it helps.

First, you need to rationally recognize the difference between planning a wedding reception and planning a marriage. They are two separate things that are intertwined. The engaged couple have the responsibility of figuring out their future. They need to plan their finances. They need to plan where they are going to live. They need to plan for insurance. They need to plan for traditions. They need to plan for their family values. They need to plan for their education. They need to plan for a lot. This is planning for marriage. Obviously, no one except the couple themselves and God should be planning their marriage. Since family and friends can't plan their marriage, they help with a wedding reception. A wedding reception in society's way of encouraging the couple and supporting them in their plans of marriage. Recognize that as an engaged couple you are responsible for planning your marriage, not your wedding reception. The wedding reception is thrown for you, as such everyone wants to make sure you like it, but that's not more important than planning for your marriage. When you begin freaking out about the wedding reception, take a step back and let it go; worry about your marriage-to-be.

Now, your wedding reception will be your wedding reception. Generally the bride's family is the host. This means that they are usually the financial backers of the reception. Respect that. Thank the bride's family frequently and sincerely about specific things they have done to make this party ideal for you. When they recognize how grateful you truly are for the crazy and stressful days they've had in trying to plan for your reception, it helps them calm down and willing to still experience more crazy and stressful days just for you. Thank them.

Because everyone recognizes that the wedding reception is focused around you and your fiancé, it can add a lot of stress on you. Especially when you don't know exactly what you want. That's me. I had no idea what I preferred for my ring, my dress, my shoes, my colors, my anything. I'm also really laid back. Some girls are more sure of what they want for their wedding reception, I honestly just want to show up and see everyone and celebrate the day with them. As a result, I recommend you ask that when people give you options have them give only 2 to 3 options to choose from, not 100. Extremely less stressful. My own fiancé said, "Wouldn't it be nice if planning a wedding reception was like going to an Optometrist?" Which one do you like better: 1 or 2? 1... or 2? Hmm... can I see the first one again? Plus, if it was done this way, then everything should be within the budget and you are still exercising your agency and making choices for your own wedding reception.

Of course, the fiancée still has a lot to do. Such as having engagement pictures taken, having the wedding announcement designed, having them printed, addressing the envelopes, sending them out. That's just with the announcements.

Now here are some steps and hints you should really start working on as soon as you are engaged:

1. Set the date and make the appointment with the Temple you plan on getting married in. Do that as soon as possible. Everything else will be centered around that. Then for you girls who are yet to be endowed, you'll have to make an appointment for that as well.
2. Make an appointment with your Bishop and your spouse-to-be's Bishop. Your bishop will help guide you and make you think about things that will help you better prepare yourselves for marriage. He'll help you stay worthy so you may be able to enter the temple to be sealed forever when the wedding day arrives.
3. Collect the addresses of family members from both your and your spouse-to-be sides, as well as the friends you'd really like to attend. Recognize that with your friends you will have people you'd like to be there, make sure you get those. Give all your other friends options to give you their address, but don't freak if you don't have everyone's address. It's okay.
4. Start addressing envelopes as soon as possible. It helps to already have a plan of what size you wish your invitations to be. Generally they are 5x7 (A7) or 4x6 cards. Then, even before the engagement photos are taken, you can order the envelopes the right size. Make sure they are at least 1/4 inch bigger than the size of card you are using. I used and recommend Paperworks.com. Especially if you desire fancier envelopes and you live in an area where such resources are more limited (such as Rexburg, ID). They have pretty good prices as well. Once you have the envelopes you can begin addressing them with the names and addresses you currently have. You can also begin putting stamps on them. This way, when the cards are ready, they can just be put in the envelopes and sent out. (If you'd like to hire someone to do this by hand, contact me, I really enjoy doing it).
5. Take your engagement photos as soon as you can. Give your photographer time to adjust the photos and then have time to design them and to correct any mistakes. Generally, the invitations should be sent out exactly a month before the wedding date, but don't freak if you can't meet that deadline. If it does end up beginning rushed, sincerely thank your photographer and designer. Be really nice to them. Also, if you are in the Rexburg, ID area, I'd recommend Quick Ship and Copy. Their website isn't updated at this moment, but they do have an address and number you can contact them at. They're nice. For me, they printed 350 invitations for $170.
6. Wedding invitation's RSVP. Generally, it is recommended to put in the envelopes a stamp and a postcard already addressed to the bride's family (the hosts) to inform them weither or not they are coming. However, I made it possible to RSVP online. More people can easily get online and click a few buttons than remember and walk all the way to their mailbox to post a card.
7. Don't be afraid of delegating responsibilities or asking for help or just saying you can't. Recognize when you are feeling overwhelmed. Ask for help in relieving some pressure. If people want you to take upon yourself another responsibility, tell them you just can't. There's too much going on. Your family and friends don't want you to stress out, they want to help. Because they want it to be perfect for you, sometimes more stress is added on. Let them know, communicate. They'll do better.
8. Start looking for where you are going to live. Have priorities of things you need in your new housing and things that would be nice but that you could live without. Do you want to pay for utilities or have them be covered? Do you want a washing machine and dryer in our housing, part of the complex, or not at all? Would you like a dishwasher or a drying rack? Do you want gas or electric heat? Do you want air conditioning? Do you want Wi-Fi included? Do you want one bedroom, two, or more? Do you want a green yard area that is your own, community, or not at all? Is it located close to work, school, grocery store, etc?
9. Make an appointment for a premarital exam. This may be really awkward for you. Some states require one for a marriage license to be issued. But even if it's not required for the state you are getting married in, it is good. It will help you physically prepare for marriage and prescribe you birth control that will work with your system. Honestly, have one even if you feel really awkward about it. It's good for you.
10. Ask other engaged or married couples what they did. I've mentioned it earlier, but it's really nice to have a support group of individuals and couples experiencing the same thing. You can ask for advice, listen to what others have done, and give your own experience and advice. It helps you feel serviable and contributing to making other's engagements easier. It helps you get out of yourself for a little bit; helps you to not freak as much.
11. Pray. This ones' huge. It's made a huge, huge difference for me. It's strengthened me when I break down. It's helped me recognize His hand in my life. It's helped me get everything done that needs to get done. It's made a big different in my life. It helps you recognize what is or isn't important.