Hanging out:
"Consists of numbers of young men and young women joining together in some group activity. It is very different from dating."
Dating:
"Is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one association and temporary commitment that can lead to marriage in some rare and treasured cases."
Here are some questions for you to ponder: How many times have you done something this week that you'd call "hanging out"? Have you gone with a group of people to go bowling, have dinner, watch a movie or played games this week?
Now, have you gone on a date in the last month?
Hanging out doing activities with a mixed group of guys and girls is not dating. It's certainly not the best way to find a boyfriend or girlfriend and figure out if you'll work together. Hanging out allows for flirtation with everyone. It also allows you to be more relaxed and doesn't make you a better person. It allows you to be lazy. It's not good for society. In truth, it's helping to destroy it.
Dating has a role in society. It really does.
There are roles for both men and women in the world. This may come as a complete shock to you, but we do. We have a divine, yes, a divine responsibility based on who we are. Each of us is either a daughter or a son of God. Literally. Not figuratively. Your spirit is a child of God. You are special. He is always aware of you. You are divine. We are eternal beings; we have always lived and we always will. But we are here on earth to gain a body. We are not a mortal being have a spiritual experience; we are a spiritual being having a mortal experience.
Today, we are not living in a time where there is no guidance as so many people think. We have prophets on the earth. We have real prophets who receive direction from our Heavenly Father, our literal Heavenly Father. Back in 1995 we were given The Family: A Proclamation to the World by actual prophets. One part reads: "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."
There are roles for both a mother and a father. The mother is to nurture. The father is to preside, provide, and protect. They are sacred responsibilities. Of course, I believe in women having equal opportunities as the men and the men having equal opportunities as the women. "In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World).
But how are we to prepare ourselves for these responsibilities? Are they just innate? I believe that for many they are. However, for many others they may not be. However, everyone needs to better themselves. How are we supposed to go around doing this? How do we better ourselves so we are prepared?
We start going on dates.
I'm not joking.
To better yourself you start dating. I'm not just taking about having a boyfriend or girlfriend and saying you are dating someone. I mean you've got to actually go on dates.
There was one lady who went to a marriage counselor saying that her husband doesn't work, that she's the one bringing the income. He doesn't contribute. The counselor asked her if he paid for their dates before they were married, and she said they had never gone on dates. They had just hung out a lot and then were married. She had never figured out the kind of person her husband was.
Dating has an important role in figuring out what type of person you are marrying and what type of person you are becoming.
Elder Oaks spoke about the Three P's of Dating:
- Planned
- Paid for
- Paired off
Paid for doesn't just mean paying for your date, it means having the resources. If you planned to play a game, you provide the game. If you planned to have a campfire, you have the wood, the lighter, and everything for s'mores as well as the place to go and the transportation to get there.
Paired off is rather obvious. If you go on a date sometimes there is just you and your date. However, it also means that when you date as a group, you and your date are paired together. For the time of the date, you are responsible for your date and you have a commitment to that person. You aren't going to be flirting with another person on the date, nor with anyone else you come into contact with. When you are paired off you have a commitment to each other. Flirting with someone else while on a date is bad bad.
Meanwhile, with hanging out there is no such commitment. There really isn't a beginning or end. You provide only for yourself. You can flirt with every person that comes your way when you are hanging out.
How is dating preparing for the sacred responsibilities previously discussed?
Well, think of the men's responsibilities:
- Preside
- Provide
- Protect
Presiding means to hold a lead position and authority to direct. It means to govern the family as the Savior governs the church (Ephesians 5:23). Christ governs in love and righteousness. A husband should preside over his family in the same manner, in lover and righteousness.
Providing means to supply the material needs for his family (President Ezra Taft Benson. "To the Fathers in Israel").
Protection can be covered in so many ways. Protection from fear. Protection from doubt. Protection from the evils of the home. Protection provided by the Priesthood men can hold.
Notice the similarities? When a guy dates he is bettering his skills to be the husband and father he has the potential to be. Even when the man is married, dates should continue as it is a continuous cycle to bettering himself.
What about the woman? We are to be nurturers. The New Oxford American dictionary defines "nurture" as the process of caring for and encouraging the growth or development of someone or something. Can you see how that would fit in with dating? How the girls can develop their skills of learning how to care for and encouraging the grown and development of the guy she goes on the date with?
When we stop dating, we no longer develop these skills as easily. We have no where to really practice them. Plus, you can't discover if they guy or girl you are interested in will actually be a good companion in life.
Dating is so vital for society. It prepares and strengthens every individual involved. When the individuals of a society are not as strong as they could be, how can we expect a strong society those people form?
So go out on a date or two this month. It's good practice. Plus, you never know, you may like it!
Wow Alex nice job. I remember discussing this with you. I like your challenge at the end. I think we as women can be preparing to date by developing patience, caring attributes, and maintaining high standards. It takes two to tango so we too need to be doing are part.
ReplyDeleteCouple thoughts, first noting that I am not familiar with Elder Oaks remarks on the topic. I find the concepts interesting, but when I hear council from one of the Lord's servants, I first try to apply it to myself, and then I try to remember it well enough to teach my children. So, do these principles apply to me, a twenty plus veteran of marriage? If so, how?
ReplyDeleteYes, I believe the principals are still applicable. the way it is described here and in the Family Proclamtion, a woman's role is clearly that of a nurturer, but to the steps to dating still apply? I'll explore each one.
Planning. While the woman needs to be involved in the logistics, there is much to be said for when the husband takes into consideration the likes and dislikes of the wife, and there is definitely more success when the father/husband leads in family matters rather than just tolerating the mother/wife's ideas. IE FHE and scripture reading work better when there is an effort to lead from the dad.
Paid. the materials are there. the husband may provide them, but the wife can gather the resources, and be grateful for those resources.
Paired off. just as when dating the nurturing and confidence building in one's partner is very important. Don't belittle or tear down.
I had a recent epiphany related to how integral the dating experience is when we look at it with an eternal perspective. It related to another of Elder Oak's talks titled "Good, Better, Best" or something like that. Just from the dates I had with a certain guy, my perspective on the type of person I was seeking as a spouse changed, or at least I had a greater clarity on what I wanted from a spouse. When you can see the attributes of an individual you are dating and they match up with what you want from a spouse, you are seeking after your own 'Best' companion. Likewise, you learn ways to prepare yourself to be the 'Best' companion by going on dates and learning the essential skills of communication and building relationships. Dating is preparatory to both the relationship you have with your [future] spouse and with the Lord. This was a great read, thanks Alex.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this! I appreciate the reminder for my life, especially because in our world now, it's not PC to say a lot of this anymore. I believe that gender is vital to our lives here and to our salvation, and sidelining this simple fact of life as unimportant has more ramifications than people realize.
ReplyDeleteThe ability to date is important in marriage as well--I agree with you Aunt Kathy! The ability for men and women to take charge of their evenings instead of always going with the flow (as tends to happen in hang outs) does a lot for your well-being and outlook on life. Plus, you actually get more done in your day! (No more, "whatdya wanna do?" "I dunno, whatdYOU wanna do?" etc.)
The last thing I want to mention is communication. On dates, the amount of communication between two people increases exponentially. When you are paired off like you mentioned, you have that responsibility for the other person, opening critical lines of communication. I can't stress how important this is in marriage.