Missionary Poetry

I've mentioned previously that I don't like most poets; that Billy Collins is my favorite and I enjoy Robert Frost. Yet, now I have another to add to this list of poets I like.
My Young Adult Literature class had required that I have 25 cards on which I had written about 25 different books. The cards were to be 4x6, and I just so happened to pick blank ones. Thus, when finishing the assignment I had 75 4x6 blank indexcards that I had no idea what to do with. They've been sitting on my desk for a few days.
This same class required that I look up and bring a poem to class, and that's when I told all of you about Billy Collins and some of his poems. In the midst of this assignment, as I glanced at 75 huge blank cards, I was impressed with an idea.
Hallmark cards, or any professional cards for that matter, usually have a little poem or thoughtful/humorous message. I thought, Hey! I have 75 huge blank indexcards... I can totally make cards and send them out to my friends on missions!
As a result I googled Missionary Poems. There isn't a lot out there. But I finally did find an excellent source. My Mormon Mission Poems: a Witty Poem a Week for 2 Years. Written by Russell Elkins and first published December 2006, it is the most hilarious thing I've read for awhile. Elkins served his mission in Guatemala and these poems seem to be truly expressing his feelings on the matter. On the copyright page he says:

Feel free to use the poems for anything you see fit, but if you ever claim them as your own or somehow figure out how to make money off of them, I’ll hunt you down and rhyme you to death.

 I haven't bought the book for it's cheap price (though I think it would be worth it), but I was able to download it for free. Thus began my reading of the poems. They seem to give a true sense of a mission.
I found some that I liked and decided to print them onto a few of my huge blank indexcards. After they were printed, I wrote on the other side of the card, put them in an envelope, and mailed them off. I hope they appreciate the gesture.
These are some of the poems I've gotten around to reading:


Canonized Meals
Many just cook us simple things
And that’s more than just fine
‘Cuz many people think like
The 3rd verse of Genesis 9
    The things my comp can stand
    Aren’t all the same as me
    But we don’t talk about it much
    After reading Romans 14:3
Sometimes one of us gets sick
And what he ate is what he blames
There is only one thing to do
And that’s in 5:14 of James
    Sometimes when elders get sick,
    To the bathroom they’ve gotta run
    But God won’t heal who stays in there
    Alma 60:21
If you are not exactly sure
You understand what I mean
It is well explained once again
In Jeremiah 4:19
    There is always an alternative
    When the food does not satisfy
    This is what the scriptures teach us
    In 19:20 of 2 Nephi



Another Food Poem
In the past ya’ll got in the mail
A few of my precious rhymes
About how we eat lunch with members
And how bad it is sometimes
    Elder Lesueur and I developed a plan
    That has risks that aren’t few
    But it’s more than worth the gamble
    Let me tell yous what we do
If the people have a dog
Then that takes care of the fuss
Dogs were put here for a purpose
To help ease the burden on us
    There’s still hope without a dog
    We can still make them think we ate
    We stick what we can fit in our pockets
    And leave the rest on one plate
The next part’s kind of hard
Cuz the cook you’ve gotta trick
The one still with food says he’s full
Cuz lately he’s been sick
    If they start to catch on
    There’s one thing that never hurts
    And that’s to make sure you both
    Have gotten some on your shirts


It’s Not All In the Wrists
Back in the states I didn’t think much
Of the music director up on the stand
Here in Guat the calling is so much more
Than just standing, waving the hand
    Often times members’ voices start to drift
    From the top to the bottom of their vocal range
    The director helps ‘em jump keys in unison
    So that they all sorta make the same key change
It’s the chorister’s decision to decide
Which notes to hold extra and those cut in half
Despite what the congregation wants to sing
Or what the artist wrote on the staff
    The chorister takes all the parts written down
    And decides which parts need fixed
    The chorister won’t do this with every verse
    Just the ones the chorister picks
I hope you realize now the importance
And that ya can’t just use any bum off the street
If ya follow their direction, you’ll be fine
Just don’t watch his hand or you’ll lose beat