Fatherhood: Synthesis of Guidelines

In my Family Relations class, we've been obviously discussing family relations. In previous posts I've spoken about "Gender," "Date: It's Important," and "Women: Homemaker or Job/Career?" For one of my assignments I wrote a longish essay about my thoughts on fatherhood. Which I decided to share with you. I recommend reading if you have a lot of time or if you are really fascinated as I am by this topic:

Recently, I’ve heard a lot more about fatherhood. I’ve noticed the push towards defining what fatherhood is. I hear a lot more about men’s rights versus woman’s rights. Especially since the “Great Recession” that arrived while I was still in high school. Men and women alike were being laid off of jobs. Many families I know intimately had both the mom and dad working outside of the home. When the recession occurred, I noticed that many of the women had kept their jobs while the men lost theres. Suddenly there seemed to be a reversal of roles within my friend’s lives. Fathers began spending much more time at home. They really began to know their children on a daily bases. They discovered they enjoyed it immensely, knowing their children and becoming a part of their everyday lives. I believe this happened all over the country. In my opinion, this was a great push to define “fatherhood” and hammer out the rights that men have as fathers. In the 50’s the perfect family lived in the suburbs with a white picket fence, the children going off to school, the husband always working and relaxing at home, while the wife took care of everything in the home, including the people in it. Since then, there’s been such a push for equality for the women, much of it happening before I was born, but constantly referred to. I believe it was a reaction to the 50’s ideal of the perfect family. However, I believe the fatherhood movement is also reaction against the social expectation that has evolved since industrialization and the 50’s perfect family. Husbands are to provide for their families, but fathers are also to be fathers. The world is currently trying to figure out what that is. The world is beginning to recognize a father’s importance society because of their role in their children’s lives; they help raise confident, strong, healthy children that will someday become adults and be contributing to society and it’s next generation.

In the great movement to define fatherhood, there are articles all over the internet about it. One such article was written by Marie Hartwell-Walker, ED. D. entitled “Fathering in American: What’s a Dad Supposed to Do?” Hartwell-Walker speaks about current research that points to “practical guidelines for responsible fatherhood.” This list contains: embrace your responsibility; be there; be there throughout their childhoods; respond to the needs of the kids, not your relationship with their mother; be in a respectful and appreciative relationship with their mother; do your financial share; balance discipline with fun; and be a role model of adult manhood.

What are the responsibilities of a husband and father? The Family: A Proclamation to the World answers what those responsibilities are. A married couple are commanded to “multiply and replenish the earth.” A husband and wife are commanded to become father and mother. A husband (and wife, but I’ll focus solely on the husband for the purposes of this paper) have a responsibility to “love and care for each other and for their children.” The actions taken to follow  his responsibility vary by individual husbands and fathers, but fathers who embrace their responsibilities will do their absolute best. Hartwell-Walker said, “Once you are a father, you are a father for life. The knowledge of fatherhood changes a man.” When a father embraces his role as father and the responsibilities that come with such a title, he’ll strive to be the best he can be. He will follow the rest of the guidelines and will be a great father to his children.

Fathers are to be there for their kids. “In study after study, kids consistently say they would like to have more time with their dads” (Hartwell-Walker). Dads work a lot; it’s what is expected of them. Perhaps they feel the pressure of society and their role as provider to earn as much money as possible. Perhaps they feel as if they are not welcomed at home, as if they don’t have a role to fill there. A father is a dad. A father has a role in the home only he can fill. No father should feel as if he doesn’t have a place in the lives of his children. His children want him to have a place and to be their dad. “Kids want to know their fathers. Just as important, they want their fathers to know them” (Hartwell-Walker). Fathers should spend time with their kids, one-on-one or as a collective. Fathers should literally be physically spending time with their children.

Fathers are to be there throughout their childhoods. Father’s should wait until their child is a youth or young adult to begin building the relationship. Nor should a father only be present in the baby years. Kenton Robinson, a writer for The New York Times, says fatherhood comes in stages:

“Stage 1: The Gardener. New babies most resemble butternut squash; their personalities, I mean. At this point your job is to feed and weed them. Easy.“Stage 2: The Clown. When they start talking and moving around, things get interesting. The best part of this stage is that you get to tell all the old groaners, jokes as old as the seventh day of creation, and be thought the funniest man on the planet.“Stage 3: The Sage. Suddenly, you're not only funny; you are incredibly wise. Or expected to be. This is when you must know everything, from why birds sing to why they die.“Stage 4: The Old Fogy. A brief, transitional stage. Now you're stodgy and stiff, and there's a musty smell about you. But at least you're still vaguely amusing and have some sentimental value.“Stage 5: The Village Idiot. ‘Hellooo? Anybody home? Can you say MOR-ON? Can you see how you've just humiliated me TO DEATH?’ Yes, you're a moron. But not just any moron, you're HER moron.”

Robinson continues in his article “Fatherhood; From Sage to Idiot in Record Time” saying, “Fatherhood is like going to graduate school forever and never getting a diploma.” These stages are each important in a child’s life and the father’s. It builds their relationship that lasts throughout their life, and even on into the eternities. Hartwell-Walker says, “The bond you make with a baby sets the foundation for a lifetime. As the kids get older, they’ll need you in different ways but they will always need you.” No father should believe he’s inadequate. Fathers have been made dads by definition. No one else can fill or replace that role. Fathers should be present in all stages of a child’s life.

            

Fathers should respond to the needs of the kids, not the relationship with their mother. Sadly, many parents are separated or divorced in today’s world. Sometimes fathers will use their relationship with their children to attempt to harm the mother in some form. Fathers should realize that children are a lot smarter then they think. Children will lose respect and admiration for him. Even if their parents are not divorced or separated, if the father tries to get at the mom through the children the father is harming his own relationship with both children and wife. “The kids need predictability. They need care. They need a loving relationship with [their dad]” (Hartwell-Walker). Fathers should realize they have a special relationship with their child that no one else has: a father-child relationship. It should be valued on its own. It should be developed, not harmed because of trying to manipulate that relationship to affect another.

Fathers should be in a respectful and appreciative relationship with their mother. Elaine S. Dalton, the Young Women General President, instructed fathers how to raise daughters, “ By the way you love her mother, you will teach your daughter about tenderness, loyalty, respect, compassion, and devotion. . . . Lead your family to the temple, be guardians of virtue, and magnify your priesthood.” (Ensign, Nov. 2011). I believe this works for raising sons as well. Showing how you love their mother will teach the daughters what to expect from a man and teach the sons what it means to be a man.

This goes hand in hand with Hartwell-Walker’s guideline to be a role model of adult manhood:

“Make no mistake: The kids are observing you every minute. They are taking in how you treat others, how you manage stress and frustrations, how you fulfill your obligations, and whether you carry yourself with dignity. Consciously or not, the boys will become like you. The girls will look for a man very much like you. Give them an idea of manhood (and relationships) you can be proud of.”

A father should show what it means to be a man. That’s what the world needs. Fathers do not understand the influence they have on their children. In an article from the University of California’s Life Skills it says, “Fathers promoted their child’s intellectual development and social competence through physical play.” Fathers have a special role as their children’s dad. The Family: A Proclamation to the World says, fathers have a “duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for the physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.” Fathers can do all that for their children. Those are important things for children to learn that fathers can teach.

A father should do their financial share. A father’s role is to preside, provide and protect his family (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). Father’s should provide in a multitude of ways, but especially financially for their children, whether they are divorced or separated from their mother or not. “Kids need to be fed, clothed, housed, and cared for” (Hartwell-Walker). Kids are kids and cannot support themselves. They need security in knowing they have shelter and food so they may have further opportunities as they climb up in Maslow's hierarchy of needs versus just needing things for basic survival. Children are much better off then.

Fathers should balance discipline with fun. Some fathers are known as the rule makers and enforcers, while others act like children. A father on either extreme ends up not being as respected by the children. Children will either live in fear and rebellion, or will live in chaos and take advantage of their dad. “Kids need to have fathers who know both how to set reasonable, firm limits and how to relax and have a good time. Give yourself and the kids the stability that comes with clear limits and the good memories that come with play” (Hartwell-Walker). A father is responsible for teaching his children and often it comes through having and enforcing rules. But a father is also a dad you can talk to, have fun with, and have a true relationship with. Having the balance between discipline and fun creates such a relationship.