In my Family Relations class, we've been obviously discussing family relations. In previous posts I've spoken about "Gender," "Date: It's Important," and "Women: Homemaker or Job/Career?" For one of my assignments I wrote a longish essay about my thoughts on fatherhood. Which I decided to share with you. I recommend reading if you have a lot of time or if you are really fascinated as I am by this topic:
Recently, I’ve heard
a lot more about fatherhood. I’ve noticed the push towards defining what
fatherhood is. I hear a lot more about men’s rights versus woman’s rights.
Especially since the “Great Recession” that arrived while I was still in high
school. Men and women alike were being laid off of jobs. Many families I know
intimately had both the mom and dad working outside of the home. When the
recession occurred, I noticed that many of the women had kept their jobs while
the men lost theres. Suddenly there seemed to be a reversal of roles within my
friend’s lives. Fathers began spending much more time at home. They really
began to know their children on a daily bases. They discovered they enjoyed it
immensely, knowing their children and becoming a part of their everyday lives.
I believe this happened all over the country. In my opinion, this was a great
push to define “fatherhood” and hammer out the rights that men have as fathers.
In the 50’s the perfect family lived in the suburbs with a white picket fence,
the children going off to school, the husband always working and relaxing at
home, while the wife took care of everything in the home, including the people
in it. Since then, there’s been such a push for equality for the women, much of
it happening before I was born, but constantly referred to. I believe it was a
reaction to the 50’s ideal of the perfect family. However, I believe the
fatherhood movement is also reaction against the social expectation that has
evolved since industrialization and the 50’s perfect family. Husbands are to
provide for their families, but fathers are also to be fathers. The world is
currently trying to figure out what that is. The world is beginning to
recognize a father’s importance society because of their role in their
children’s lives; they help raise confident, strong, healthy children that will
someday become adults and be contributing to society and it’s next generation.
What
are the responsibilities of a husband and father? The Family: A Proclamation to the World answers what those
responsibilities are. A married couple are commanded to “multiply and replenish
the earth.” A husband and wife are commanded to become father and mother. A
husband (and wife, but I’ll focus solely on the husband for the purposes of
this paper) have a responsibility to “love and care for each other and for
their children.” The actions taken to follow his responsibility vary by individual husbands and fathers,
but fathers who embrace their
responsibilities will do their absolute best. Hartwell-Walker said, “Once you
are a father, you are a father for life. The knowledge of fatherhood changes a
man.” When a father embraces his role as father and the responsibilities that
come with such a title, he’ll strive to be the best he can be. He will follow
the rest of the guidelines and will be a great father to his children.
Fathers
are to be there for their kids. “In
study after study, kids consistently say they would like to have more time with
their dads” (Hartwell-Walker). Dads work a lot; it’s what is expected of them.
Perhaps they feel the pressure of society and their role as provider to earn as
much money as possible. Perhaps they feel as if they are not welcomed at home,
as if they don’t have a role to fill there. A father is a dad. A father has a
role in the home only he can fill. No father should feel as if he doesn’t have
a place in the lives of his children. His children want him to have a place and
to be their dad. “Kids want to know their fathers. Just as important, they want
their fathers to know them” (Hartwell-Walker). Fathers should spend time with
their kids, one-on-one or as a collective. Fathers should literally be
physically spending time with their children.
Fathers
are to be there throughout their
childhoods. Father’s should wait until their child is a youth or young
adult to begin building the relationship. Nor should a father only be present
in the baby years. Kenton Robinson, a writer for The New York Times, says fatherhood comes in stages:
“Stage 1: The Gardener. New babies most resemble butternut squash; their personalities, I mean. At this point your job is to feed and weed them. Easy.“Stage 2: The Clown. When they start talking and moving around, things get interesting. The best part of this stage is that you get to tell all the old groaners, jokes as old as the seventh day of creation, and be thought the funniest man on the planet.“Stage 3: The Sage. Suddenly, you're not only funny; you are incredibly wise. Or expected to be. This is when you must know everything, from why birds sing to why they die.“Stage 4: The Old Fogy. A brief, transitional stage. Now you're stodgy and stiff, and there's a musty smell about you. But at least you're still vaguely amusing and have some sentimental value.“Stage 5: The Village Idiot. ‘Hellooo? Anybody home? Can you say MOR-ON? Can you see how you've just humiliated me TO DEATH?’ Yes, you're a moron. But not just any moron, you're HER moron.”
Robinson
continues in his article “Fatherhood; From Sage to Idiot in Record Time”
saying, “Fatherhood is like going to graduate school forever and never getting
a diploma.” These stages are each important in a child’s life and the father’s.
It builds their relationship that lasts throughout their life, and even on into
the eternities. Hartwell-Walker says, “The bond you make with a baby sets the
foundation for a lifetime. As the kids get older, they’ll need you in different
ways but they will always need you.” No father should believe he’s inadequate.
Fathers have been made dads by definition. No one else can fill or replace that
role. Fathers should be present in all stages of a child’s life.
Fathers
should respond to the needs of the kids,
not the relationship with their mother. Sadly, many parents are separated
or divorced in today’s world. Sometimes fathers will use their relationship
with their children to attempt to harm the mother in some form. Fathers should
realize that children are a lot smarter then they think. Children will lose
respect and admiration for him. Even if their parents are not divorced or
separated, if the father tries to get at the mom through the children the
father is harming his own relationship with both children and wife. “The kids
need predictability. They need care. They need a loving relationship with [their
dad]” (Hartwell-Walker). Fathers should realize they have a special
relationship with their child that no one else has: a father-child
relationship. It should be valued on its own. It should be developed, not
harmed because of trying to manipulate that relationship to affect another.
Fathers
should be in a respectful and
appreciative relationship with their mother. Elaine S. Dalton, the Young
Women General President, instructed fathers how to raise daughters, “ By the
way you love her mother, you will teach your daughter about tenderness,
loyalty, respect, compassion, and devotion. . . . Lead your family to the
temple, be guardians of virtue, and magnify your priesthood.” (Ensign, Nov. 2011). I believe this works
for raising sons as well. Showing how you love their mother will teach the
daughters what to expect from a man and teach the sons what it means to be a
man.
This
goes hand in hand with Hartwell-Walker’s guideline to be a role model of adult manhood:
“Make no mistake: The kids are observing you every minute. They are taking in how you treat others, how you manage stress and frustrations, how you fulfill your obligations, and whether you carry yourself with dignity. Consciously or not, the boys will become like you. The girls will look for a man very much like you. Give them an idea of manhood (and relationships) you can be proud of.”
A
father should show what it means to be a man. That’s what the world needs.
Fathers do not understand the influence they have on their children. In an
article from the University of California’s Life
Skills it says, “Fathers promoted their child’s intellectual development
and social competence through physical play.” Fathers have a special role as
their children’s dad. The Family: A
Proclamation to the World says, fathers have a “duty to rear their children
in love and righteousness, to provide for the physical and spiritual needs, and
to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God,
and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.” Fathers can do all that for
their children. Those are important things for children to learn that fathers
can teach.
A
father should do their financial share.
A father’s role is to preside, provide and protect his family (The Family: A Proclamation to the World).
Father’s should provide in a multitude of ways, but especially financially for
their children, whether they are divorced or separated from their mother or
not. “Kids need to be fed, clothed, housed, and cared for” (Hartwell-Walker).
Kids are kids and cannot support themselves. They need security in knowing they
have shelter and food so they may have further opportunities as they climb up
in Maslow's hierarchy of needs versus just needing things for basic survival.
Children are much better off then.
Fathers should balance discipline with fun. Some fathers are known as the rule makers and enforcers, while others act like children. A father on either extreme ends up not being as respected by the children. Children will either live in fear and rebellion, or will live in chaos and take advantage of their dad. “Kids need to have fathers who know both how to set reasonable, firm limits and how to relax and have a good time. Give yourself and the kids the stability that comes with clear limits and the good memories that come with play” (Hartwell-Walker). A father is responsible for teaching his children and often it comes through having and enforcing rules. But a father is also a dad you can talk to, have fun with, and have a true relationship with. Having the balance between discipline and fun creates such a relationship.
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