What They Need: Contact and Belonging

You've known the people who do crazy things to get attention; attention that isn't usually positive.  Where their actions just drive people away, not because the person's a bad person, but because the individual is annoying or socially awkward. Generally, others ignore him until a point when he does something that is the "last straw" which causes interaction, usually negative.

Why do they do this?

Human beings have a need; a need to have contact with others and to belong.

We all need a role, a place where we feel we are contributing and a somebody. Some individuals create a role for themselves that isn't always healthy. For example, the child that is labeled the clown or the mischievous one will live to that expectation. It's their role; a role that's really hard to move from.

We all need to have contact with each other. In the extreme case of people in solitary confinement, they pretty much go a bit insane. There's a lot that happens. Carly Frintner wrote a paper entitled "Lonely Madness: The Effects of Solitary Confinement and Social Isolation on Mental and Emotional Health" that speaks more in depth about it. But we starve for contact whether it's eye-contact, physical contact, emotional connection or others.

Sometimes those people who are acting outrageously are only looking for belonging or contact, they're starving for it. They act out because when they get a response, even when it's negative, they're "fed" in a way.

It turns into a cycle that feeds itself. They need contact/belonging, so act outrageous. You ignore them. They act more outrageous. You ignore them. They act more outrageous. You finally acknowledge or respond to them. They are fed just enough, but want more. Then the cycle begins again.

How do you correct behavior where people will do anything for attention?

1. Offer contact freely. Don't reward or punish them based on the individual's good or bad actions. You seek the individual out and you offer contact. You pat them on the back. You give them hugs. You make eye-contact. You ask them questions, listen and respond to what they say.
2. Teach them how they can contribute. Everyone wants a place to belong. Give them opportunities for them to help others or feel like they are needed and worthwhile. Ask for help with the dishes. Ask them to serve you or someone else. They will feel that they finally have a place to belong.

Love means dedication to another person's spiritual, emotional, physical well-being.

Charity is the pure love of Christ ("Charity").

When we have charity towards one another it means we have a portion of Christ's pure dedication to another's spiritual, emotional and physical bell-being.

It's easy to have charity for your friends. To develop charity for your enemies is hard, but not impossible. There's one demographic we haven't covered: those we are mostly indifferent towards, like those that do anything for attention. I think it's can be very difficult to have charity towards them.

But in the two simple and complicated steps to correct such behavior, you'll need charity to begin and help such a person.

No wonder we are asked to have charity one towards another. Charity more complicated, and more simple, than I had originally thought. 

Dieter F. Uchtdorf said:

“I hope that we welcome and love all of God’s children, including those who might dress, look, speak, or just do things differently. It is not good to make others feel as though they are deficient. Let us lift those around us. Let us extend a welcoming hand. Let us bestow upon our brothers and sisters in the Church a special measure of humanity, compassion, and charity so that they feel, at long last, they have finally found home" ("You Are My Hands").

The things our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ ask for us to do as his children and as covenant people  are worded simply, but following them does so much good to others and for yourself. Have charity towards one another. The world will become that much better.